Indigenous Peoples’ Day

It’s a smallpox epidemic of savings at Menard’s!

Corn Pops is even worse than Captain Crunch

Both taste like salt, and make me see through metal.

When you’ve been hospitalized as frequently as I have, you just learn to eat the gelatin desserts and avoid all else.

How is it that we live in a world with capri pants?

Who are these people?

Contrived thoughts, who are they for?

Am I right, ladies?

Best ways to prevent nails from splitting

First off, go back in time and get parents with good genes, not like mine.  My nails look like they got tore up in a wood chipper.

Heaven has no plans for nails like these.

One horrible string of events from birth, I say.  I was going to be a model, then I got short and fat.  So I said, I’ll be a foot model, then it turned out I had overlapping toes.  So I said, Jesus, please Lord God, let me be a hand model, then I got these nails that look like a riverbed.

Very depressed today.

I had a box of ashes of a dead family member in my house until yesterday.

Processing emotions of death brings up the deaths of other people that I really liked, and wouldn’t have minded keeping their ashes in my house.

Also, popped a hemorrhoid in a freak accident.

Bye for now,

Hobart

Things I’m afraid of, in no particular order

People who do recreational drugs I’ve never heard of, diagramming sentences, parallel parking, my neighbors, finding a new house, ghosts, aliens, small towns, art made out of antlers, extremists, having to shit in a public toilet, going out in public, the glaucoma checking machine at the eye doctor, my father, my sister, my mother, my in-laws, grinding my fingers up in the garbage disposal, my head exploding, mental telepathy, mind control, bears, table saws.

“When we’re hungry, our love will keep us alive.”

Let me put some margarine and sugar on our LOVE!
JESUS CHRISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST!

I wish people would stop starting off stories with, “So then this happened.”

I give no less than thrice of a fuck what happened.  Get out of my face.

Why don’t I have any friends?

I eat Screech and crap Slater

Even my shit turns spaghetti-armed Jews into thuggish — yet friendly — Latino rapscallions.

Now, how about that?  Why, isn’t that something?

It seems like, from day to day, hour to hour, even minute to minute, I feel simultaneously powerful and impotent, beautiful and hideous, constipated and still my guts retch and wrench with a foaming sea of diarrhea.  I could go off at any moment, but my show’s on, so I can’t leave the house.

Try sleeping at night with that.

In the immortal words of Peggy Gravel, “Don’t tell me I don’t know what Vietnam is!”

Wow, they really broke the mold when they made old Hobart Sloms.

Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars, even though playing around some stars would burn my goddamned limbs off instantaneously.  It does sound fun, though.

Sick unto death.

Yours,

Hobart Sloms

Shower me in spam

Finally got a comment on one of my blog posts.  Thank God I know where I can buy Celebrex now.  A writer writes, always!

News outlets, suck my dangus

Gotta love how the news outlets are making a huge issue about Phil Spector looking ugly in prison. No one gives a shit anymore that he killed anyone. “Listen up, everyone!  HIS WIG’S GONE!“

Hey Hollywood, I’m going to go watch Cheers now on the TV

Bye for now, ack ack!